Meredith, U.S.

Laia Abril, On Rape, 2022

Narrator: In the military, everything we do is “mission first”. Women in the force are seen as weak and emotional, a liability. We constantly downplay our injuries and refuse to be a victim. Before I really came to terms with the fact that I had been raped, I had only shared small parts of my story. Eventually I told my boyfriend what my commander had done to me and when I saw the tears and pain in his eyes, I finally understood something really bad had happened. I was still struggling with identifying myself as a rape victim − it didn’t seem like a fair title to claim − until he was arrested and discharged from the military, following a new rape accusation. I grieved for the young girl and I hated myself for not reporting him years earlier. He was indeed a rapist. However, the first time I told my story publicly was years later at an all-women veteran’s retreat. I could feel it bubbling up inside me, so I tearfully shared the “relationship” I’d had with my commander, still unable to see how severely he had manipulated me into [a year of] sexual subservience. It was a terrifying relief to finally speak aloud the shame that had festered inside me for so long. But what really set me free was when one of the female leaders looked me in the eye and told me that it was not my fault.